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Old Website stuff - My Top Jokes of ALL Time

I apologise in advance, but then again - I LOVE 'EM!

  • Two fish in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

  • A polar bear walks into a pub. Leans against the bar and says to the barman, "Get me a gin and ....................... tonic please." "Sure," says the barman, "but I gotta ask, why the large pause". "Dunno mate," says the bear, "I was born with 'em."

  • A guy sitting at home watching TV and he hears a knock at the front door so he gets up and opens it. Looking around he sees no one and then spots a snail on the doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street. 10 years later the same guy is sitting watching TV and here's a knock at the door. Off he goes and opens the front door, no one around. Looking down he sees the snail, which says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

  • Two cannibals sitting round eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe. "Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

And my favourite doesn't work in writing, so you'll have to ask me the next time that you meet me.

And a quick poem...

I wish I was a glow worm
As glow worms are never glum
How can you be unhappy
When the sun shines out ya bum!