W. C. Fields quotes

The office has all been moved around - new desks (with starter handles to raise and lower them), new high(er) speed network and ... the same old work. At least I have a differing view of the world, my team (well, the team I'm a part of not "my" team) is a lot closer - finally - and it's like an office from the 80's ... or even a classroom.

But I still have time to move the crap off the PC:

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Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad.

Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!

Who stole the cork from my breakfast?

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit, no use being a damn fool about things.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

(asked by a lady journalist, why he never drank water) Fish fuck in it!

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Say anything that you like about me, except that I drink water.

I never drank anything stronger than beer, before I was twelve.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet have been walking over my tongue all night.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.

Yes I do like children ... girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last as long as you live.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

Buried my wife the other day, had to.. she died.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

And it ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

...more people are driven insane through religius hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Wife: "Why don't you go to bed."

W.C.: "I thought I'd take a nap first."

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(Fields, reading the bible) Just looking for loopholes.

(Fields, on reading the bible) I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots... but found only a pack of wild lies.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."

W.C: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice.

(epitaph) All things considered. I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

My boy, when I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

I must have a drink of breakfast

(Of an elderly lady dressed to kill.....) She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I don't believe in dining on an emty stomach

(with a hangover) The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache...

Marriage is better than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

You're drunk !!

Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

Man: "Is this gambling?"

W.C.: "Not the way I play it"

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life .. except drink.

Go away you silly pigeons and don't come back until you can shit green.

During prohibition he was asked, why if he didn't have a drinkings problem, did he buy 300 cases of gin before it started, he replied "I didn't think prohibition would last that long."

"Bartender, bartender did I spend $100 in this bar last night ?" Bartender replies: "You sure did." W.C. replies: "Good, I thought I lost it."