Jeremy Clarkson, I Love Him And He Makes Me Laff
... and that's despite what he says - I've highlighted my favourite out of this lot from Adam's Jokeslist
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"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."
"... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany "
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
"The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
" Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
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"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."
"... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany "
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
"The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
" Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
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