It's One-Liner Time!

Just a stream of one-liners (ish) from Adam's Jokeslist which is resolutely email based ;-)
Enjoy

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."He said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one".

I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris" He said "Eurostar?" I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" She said "How flexible are you?" and I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But anyway I'm in great mood at the moment because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example remember Goran, even he's a witch.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Jamal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Jamal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

So I walked into a butcher's the other day, and the bloke behind the counter says to me 'I bet you ten quid I can't reach those two bits of meat up there on the shelf.' So I looked up for a minute and then I said 'I'm afraid I can't accept that bet, mate.' 'Why not?' says the butcher. 'Because the steaks are too high'

I rang up a building firm the other day and said "I wanna skip outside my house" He said "I'm not stopping you"

I picked up the phone the other day and asked "who's speaking please" A voice said "you are"

I was playing tennis with a napkin the other day, he was about to hit the ball so I shouted "No, don't serviette"

My brother was christened by a man in a gorilla suit, which was a blessing in disguise