The Forum: "And so it starts" by Muffy

By /
From the Web 1.0 days I bring you The Forum. To preserve them for posterity as Geocities can no longer be found but also it's fun to re-read some of them.

Muffy was an old friend of mine from Brisbane, hence her column title "Brisbane Rantings". I wonder what Muffy (not her really name of course) is doing now.

"And so it starts"
4 April, 2001

Right. Well. I was so happy to hear that Mike was putting out the word for submissions to the forum on his web page and have been grovelling and promising something shining for weeks now. And where is it? I'll tell you. As soon as I felt compelled to write something cool and funny and clever and worth reading, it all went out of my head and left me feeling like I had better think up a better excuse than the dog ate my homework. So here I am.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have long fantasised that if only I could get people to read what I write, then my life will have proved it's point. Alas, I am a chicken (cluck cluck, and I seem to be making less sense than ever.....bugger it: I think I'll blame some hormones - just picture me throwing plates and going all puffy-eyed and scary: hang on - that's what I see in the mirror these days...)

Back to the point (bloody hormones - they cause scattiness as well). So. I started to write something clever about my own depliatory experiences. It was crapful. It seems my homework is about as dismal as it was some 15 years ago (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just stopped breathing as that sank in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). The awful thing about this is that I really love writing, and I do it all the time. I was responsible for such gems as "The Easter Poem", and "If I were a Dyke and my Boyfriend was Gay" - destined to become, well, at least available for your reading pleasure.

Anyway, back to the dog that ate my homework. And actually, it was the JOB that ate my homework. In short, without boring you with the details of my checquered employment history to date, I have to look for a new one. It looks as though my contract is suddenly up in a few weeks and there is nowt left for me to do (ungrateful wretches - when did my presence cease to be ENOUGH?!). Bloody hell. If I weren't so damned GOOD at my job, there would be a mountain of work to do fixing up my incompetence's and lack of attention to detail. Repairing the covered up mistakes BEFORE they are discovered, and sending out personalised letters of apology to those victims of error who managed to slip through the dense net of beurocracy and actually FIND OUT just what a cock up I had made (on behalf of my department, of course). But there are none. I obviously need some kind of vocational training in "work maintenance". Several of my colleagues seem to have doctorate qualifications in this field...........

You may point out that this is an opportunity to forge my career onward and upward, and to you I say FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE I HAVE ONLY JUST LEARNED THE ASTROLOGICALLY BASED FILING SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP ME??????????????????????. To hell with it all. I am off to bed with a Valium sandwich. Maybe, if I am lucky, a dog will eat one of my work mates, and I will be able to stay on after all........................

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular articles

The Difference Between One Million And One Billion

Image
It feels like a billion is just a bit bigger than a million. Obviously it's bigger but it fits on the same scale as a million, surely. It doesn't. A billion is so so so much bigger than a million. I've trawled the internet finding graphics and videos that show the VAST difference between one million and one billion. Oh, and just to finish with a different misconception about space starting with the classic opening line from the great Douglas Adams and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy : “Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.”

W. C. Fields quotes

Image
The office has all been moved around - new desks (with starter handles to raise and lower them), new high(er) speed network and ... the same old work. At least I have a differing view of the world, my team (well, the team I'm a part of not "my" team) is a lot closer - finally - and it's like an office from the 80's ... or even a classroom. But I still have time to move the crap off the PC : ------ Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! Who stole the cork from my breakfast? Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit, no use being a damn fool about things. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they alwa...

This Is What Drowning People Actually Look Like

Image
THIS is so so useful - thanks @exlibrarykris@cloudisland.nz for her annual share . The popular conception of what drowning looks like is not accurate. Unlike this photo, drowning people usually can’t call out for help, and there is very little splashing or waving. Drowning is actually a very quiet and undramatic action. Photo by Stephen Frink Drowning does not look like what we’re conditioned to think of as drowning. In an article in the Fall 2006 issue of the U.S. Coast Guard Search and Rescue’s On Scene journal, Pia described the instinctive drowning response as follows: Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary or overlaid function. Breathing must be fulfilled before speech occurs. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough f...

"Right Wing" Comedians

Image
Too many people comfortably plump themselves into an army of one type or another . Surrounded by those that sound like you, listen to you intently whilst nodding, and echo your thoughts on why the fight is a good fight and that the other side are such bad terrible people. I used to be more like that than I am nowadays ... hmmmm, aren't we humans meant to become more conservative and reactionary as we age, strange Mike. These thoughts have me thinking of two UK comedians that have been tagged as "right wing", which is putting them into an army for the benefit of someone but, I suspect, not them. First up,  Simon Evans who makes me laugh when he's talking about his family, kids, and life in Brighton. He then hit my ears big time with: Simon Evans Goes to Market , has had six seasons, delighting audiences with his witty and insightful take on the comedically unpromising territory of economics, all of which prove among the most popular downloads on the Sounds App. On the...

On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going?

Image
So many people have had me ask them this simple question, " On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going? (where 1 is as low as it can get)" Once the person responds, you then simply askm " Is there anything I could do to help move it from a 6 to a 7? " (or . . . "from a 3 to a 4" or "from a 10 to an 11"). Just reach out and ask ... I cannot recommend this highly enough as both for support people / friends / family that are keeping an active eye on someone in their life, but also just as a great way to connect not matter what the situation. So where did it come from - this is a technique that Jane McGonicall  ( @avantgame ) picked up from her friend Michael, a philanthropist and entrepreneur and uses in a Super Better "quest" called Plus-One Better - here are the complete instructions. QUEST: Plus-One Better Pick three people: 1. Someone who would like to hear from you 2. Someone you would like to hear from 3. Some...

It's All Going To Change

Image
Exponential is gonna make this world of humans very very different. What the fuck is " exponential change " Mike? I, you, and all humans are built to see change in a linear way. A wolf accelerating at a set rate is going to slowly catch us, but we know when, and therefore where (see how clever we are), so we get tricksy and make plans to not be there and then, hah, take that wolf! The wolf starts out at 1 kmh, but speeds up at 2 kmh. It's now at 3 kmh, but hang on it's still getting faster, now at 5 kmh. Christ this wolf is still going, 7 kmh. Meh, we can run at 10 kmh. It adds another 2 kmh, ok, it's catching up. 9 kmh, we're starting to worry and make plans. Wow, the wolf is now 11 kmh, probably a blur but s'ok as it is slower than a bike so maybe we use that. Oh noes, another 2 kmh, that's 13 kmh. A spurt from the wolf and it's now 15 kmh, and one more boost, up to 17 kmh. Within only 9 steps this damn wolf is now running at us at 17 kmh. We...

Series 2 Starts With An Episode About Burnout & Suicidal Thoughts

Image
Kicking off series 2 of  Mike's Audio Summaries podcast in which I take blog posts and supporting web articles into Google's NotebookLM AI to create an audio "deep dive". Long time readers, friends, and family will know my time with a "wobbly brain" and some of the posts I have published over the years on mental health and specifically suicidal thoughts. This episode, Burnout & Suicidal Thoughts , is a positive, hopeful, and action orientated discussion on those subjects. Aotearoa New Zealand 1737 – Free call or text 1737 Lifeline – 0800 543 354 Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234  Samaritans – 0800 726 666 Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865  What's Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds) Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54, free text 5626 Anxiety New Zealand -  0800 269 4389 UK Samaritans 116 123 HOPELineUK 0800 068 41 41 CALM 0800 58 58 58 Lifeline (Northern Ireland) 0808 808 8000 Community Advice & Listening Line (Wales) 0800 132 737 (24/7) or...

Take A Mate To Work Day

Image
Brilliant idea from, someone on FB as a meme, I think. Do you have any idea what your mates do when they go to work? Heck, you might not really know what your partner does, or your kids. But your friends, what do they actually do? Most of us will have a rough idea that they're a Programme Manager, or perhaps an Accountant, or a Service Desk Manager. But what does that actually mean, what do they do in a typical day. This isn't about making a judgement, just curiosity, and understanding ya mate a little better. Take Your Mate To Work Day (and if you have a mate called Kate you are in!) Let's pick a day - I always say do things on a Tuesday because nothing exciting happens on a Tuesday. How about the second Tuesday in February. That would make the next one Tuesday 11th February, 2025 . Who's up for it? I am, once I start my job in the new year and settle in I'm gonna invite a mate to come watch what I do, just for shits and giggles tbf Apparently this is absolutely no...

9 More Things I've Done

Image
I've done a lot of things but I've done 9 things off my " It's later than you think " / " I've Never See Star Wars " list I've talked about the Poptart , Mills & Boon , and Footloose already, so here's the other 6. Walk The Southern Walkway (Wellington)  - 7/10 The Southern Walkway is an 11km walk along the Town Belt between Oriental Bay and Island Bay. The total walk can be completed in 4–5 hours depending on fitness and interest. [source: Explore Wellington - Southern Walkway Map PDF ] I can't remember when I did it, but I do recall it being a lot easier than I thought it would be. It's a perfect walk for a nice summer's day tbh, get amongst it! Watch a Bruce Lee movie - 4/10 It was Enter The Dragon ... hmmm, not sure I really enjoyed it tbh. A lot of slapstick noises with the fighting, the story was ok, and definitely felt of it's time. I can imagine it was very different back then, and Bruce Lee is, OK, but yeah, no...