The Forum: 'And so it starts' by Muffy

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From the Web 1.0 days I bring you The Forum. To preserve them for posterity as Geocities can no longer be found but also it's fun to re-read some of them.

Muffy was an old friend of mine from Brisbane, hence her column title "Brisbane Rantings". I wonder what Muffy (not her really name of course) is doing now.

"And so it starts"
4 April, 2001

Right. Well. I was so happy to hear that Mike was putting out the word for submissions to the forum on his web page and have been grovelling and promising something shining for weeks now. And where is it? I'll tell you. As soon as I felt compelled to write something cool and funny and clever and worth reading, it all went out of my head and left me feeling like I had better think up a better excuse than the dog ate my homework. So here I am.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have long fantasised that if only I could get people to read what I write, then my life will have proved it's point. Alas, I am a chicken (cluck cluck, and I seem to be making less sense than ever.....bugger it: I think I'll blame some hormones - just picture me throwing plates and going all puffy-eyed and scary: hang on - that's what I see in the mirror these days...)

Back to the point (bloody hormones - they cause scattiness as well). So. I started to write something clever about my own depliatory experiences. It was crapful. It seems my homework is about as dismal as it was some 15 years ago (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just stopped breathing as that sank in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). The awful thing about this is that I really love writing, and I do it all the time. I was responsible for such gems as "The Easter Poem", and "If I were a Dyke and my Boyfriend was Gay" - destined to become, well, at least available for your reading pleasure.

Anyway, back to the dog that ate my homework. And actually, it was the JOB that ate my homework. In short, without boring you with the details of my checquered employment history to date, I have to look for a new one. It looks as though my contract is suddenly up in a few weeks and there is nowt left for me to do (ungrateful wretches - when did my presence cease to be ENOUGH?!). Bloody hell. If I weren't so damned GOOD at my job, there would be a mountain of work to do fixing up my incompetence's and lack of attention to detail. Repairing the covered up mistakes BEFORE they are discovered, and sending out personalised letters of apology to those victims of error who managed to slip through the dense net of beurocracy and actually FIND OUT just what a cock up I had made (on behalf of my department, of course). But there are none. I obviously need some kind of vocational training in "work maintenance". Several of my colleagues seem to have doctorate qualifications in this field...........

You may point out that this is an opportunity to forge my career onward and upward, and to you I say FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE I HAVE ONLY JUST LEARNED THE ASTROLOGICALLY BASED FILING SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP ME??????????????????????. To hell with it all. I am off to bed with a Valium sandwich. Maybe, if I am lucky, a dog will eat one of my work mates, and I will be able to stay on after all........................

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