The Forum: 'Free Funky G-String Bites' by Muffy

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From the Web 1.0 days I bring you The Forum. To preserve them for posterity as Geocities can no longer be found but also it's fun to re-read some of them.

Muffy was an old friend of mine from Brisbane, hence her column title "Brisbane Rantings". I wonder what Muffy (not her really name of course) is doing now.

"Free Funky G-String Bites"
2nd July, 2001

With nothing much planned for the weekend, and it being the day after payday I went shopping for somethinganything. I found a dress and shirt for work, and on taking my intended purchases to the counter, I found I was eligible for the "Free Funky G-String" and would I like to choose one from the FFGS rack?

The FFGS rack was full of underwear I would ordinarily not have even looked at let alone touched, bought or contemplated wearing. But it was also full of underwear that was FREE, and my boyfriend was looking at, touching and asking why didn't I get this one?

Yes, why DON'T I get the sheer black nylon with "I LOVE MY PUSSY" printed on the front (and lets face it, there was little scope or room to be too creative with the graphics....)? I'll tell you WHY! Because the damn thing would be too small for Barbi to wear, that's WHY!

He (my boyfriend) persevered: here was the opportunity to secrete into my wardrobe some dreamed-of piece of slut-wear whose influence might just rub off on the rest of my clothes and then maybe me.

I don't think so.

Unfortunately I misjudged the force of his conviction and eventually compromised with the least offensive pair: a kind of camouflage print - which brought forward several snickers and winks and jokes about "going commando" between himself and the sales assistant. He's quite a card, my boyfriend. Someone should deck him.....

Once home, I stuffed the FFGS into the back of my wardrobe vowing never to wear the damned thing unless it was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and a DIRE UNDERWEAR EMERGENCY where all other possible options have been exhausted, laundry not done for weeks and weeks....when..on Monday, getting dressed for work, I realised that I was indeed faced with a dilemma: FFGS appeared to be Monday's only undies option.

So here I am, FFGS insitu and trying to see the humour, the poetic justice - the LESSON (that washing doesn't do itself..and any garment advertised as FUNKY may not be the bargain it seems, especially if it's free....) and all I can think of - as I perch on the edge of my seat in order to avoid another savage bite to my derriere whenever I sit NORMALLY - is what happens if I get hit by a bus?

Ah well.....at least they are clean.......

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