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The Forum: 'Job applications' by Muffy

The final posting in Muffy Month ... one a week from the ongoing series, The Forum (my old community site) published here posterity and because they deserve to be read again and again.

Muffy was an old friend of mine from Brisbane, hence her column title "Brisbane Rantings". I wonder what Muffy (not her really name of course) is doing now.

See her also at:
"Job applications"
21st July, 2001

I know this month's forum submission, which is really last month's, is more than a smidgen tardy. However, I have more than an excuse, I have a reason.

I have run out of words.

That's right. Run right out of the shifty little buggers. There's nowt up here now except a gentle breeze blowing in one ear and out the other. And would you like to know why? Because in the last six weeks, I have been madly (in all understandings of the word...) composing, compiling and finally cutting-and-pasting for the old PUBLIC SECTOR SELECTION CRITERIA JOB APPLICATIONS.

My last job application for a position as an assistant to somebody's secretary was (and I kid you not) 14 pages long. And that's not including the resume and crap that you send along with it. Bloody stupid is what it is: I was short-listed for an interview on the basis of one of these great tomes of demonstrable knowledge and skills, and as I was having a quick peek through to remind myself of just what I was capable of I found several little "notes to self" squished between the paragraphs. This was the copy I handed in so I am fairly certain that the people I am sending them to aren't too keen on reading them either.

Here are a few examples of the stuff I have had to write about: [Note: ESC stands for "Essential Selection Criteria"]

ESC 1. High level written communication skills.
I managed to reach 14 pages in this thing: is that high enough for you?

ESC 2. Highly developed interpersonal skills and ability to liaise with people at all levels.
For this job, I will liaise with God himself. Boy, you sure do like that word liaise. If I do a little horizontal liaising, will it get me an interview?

ESC 3. Ability to work in a team and independently.
Well, make up your mind. I do team. I do independent. What I don't want to do is dole queue.

ESC 4. Ability to use a computer.
You must be fucking kidding me. Does this reem of Reflex look like a bark painting?

ESC 5. Previous experience in the advertised job.
Well that's asking a bit much, but bugger it all, YES: I demonstrate my previous experience in this job through being the current encumbant. Can I have my pay cheque now?