The Forum: 'Job applications' by Muffy

By /
From the Web 1.0 days I bring you The Forum. To preserve them for posterity as Geocities can no longer be found but also it's fun to re-read some of them.

Muffy was an old friend of mine from Brisbane, hence her column title "Brisbane Rantings". I wonder what Muffy (not her really name of course) is doing now.

"Job applications"
21st July, 2001

I know this month's forum submission, which is really last month's, is more than a smidgen tardy. However, I have more than an excuse, I have a reason.

I have run out of words.

That's right. Run right out of the shifty little buggers. There's nowt up here now except a gentle breeze blowing in one ear and out the other. And would you like to know why? Because in the last six weeks, I have been madly (in all understandings of the word...) composing, compiling and finally cutting-and-pasting for the old PUBLIC SECTOR SELECTION CRITERIA JOB APPLICATIONS.

My last job application for a position as an assistant to somebody's secretary was (and I kid you not) 14 pages long. And that's not including the resume and crap that you send along with it. Bloody stupid is what it is: I was short-listed for an interview on the basis of one of these great tomes of demonstrable knowledge and skills, and as I was having a quick peek through to remind myself of just what I was capable of I found several little "notes to self" squished between the paragraphs. This was the copy I handed in so I am fairly certain that the people I am sending them to aren't too keen on reading them either.

Here are a few examples of the stuff I have had to write about: [Note: ESC stands for "Essential Selection Criteria"]

ESC 1. High level written communication skills.
I managed to reach 14 pages in this thing: is that high enough for you?

ESC 2. Highly developed interpersonal skills and ability to liaise with people at all levels.
For this job, I will liaise with God himself. Boy, you sure do like that word liaise. If I do a little horizontal liaising, will it get me an interview?

ESC 3. Ability to work in a team and independently.
Well, make up your mind. I do team. I do independent. What I don't want to do is dole queue.

ESC 4. Ability to use a computer.
You must be fucking kidding me. Does this reem of Reflex look like a bark painting?

ESC 5. Previous experience in the advertised job.
Well that's asking a bit much, but bugger it all, YES: I demonstrate my previous experience in this job through being the current encumbant. Can I have my pay cheque now?


Comments

Post a Comment

Be kind

Popular articles

Make Your Public Event Calendar Usable To All

Image
If you run a sports club, this post is for you. If you are on a community committee, this post is also for you If you host events, this is for you. If you put on shows, this is for you. In fact, if you do anything that has a date/time component that you'd like to share with people, this is for you . Yep, probably for all of us. Sharing calendars can be both: an effective way of letting everyone know a complete and utter technical pain in the bottomly region If you've posted up an events page onto your website you know how difficult it is to keep up to date, how the readers have to keep coming back to get the latest changes and don't even think about integrating with somebody else's "events page". Ok, so we all know the problem. What's the solution? iCalendar (normally shortened to iCal) ... yep, it's a geek word that you will come to know and love just as much as RSS. In fact, think of it as RSS for calendars. But that's enough geekery, if you want

The Difference Between One Million And One Billion

Image
It's feels like a billion is just a bit bigger than a million. Obviously it's bigger but it fits on the same scale as a million, surely. It doesn't. A billion is so so so much bigger than a million. I've trawled the internet finding graphics and videos that show the VAST difference between one million and one billion. Oh, and just to finish with a different misconception about space starting with the classic opening line from the great Douglas Adams and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy : “Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.”

We All Agree The Climate Is Changing, But Not Why

Image
It seems to me, talking to my more "climate sceptic" friends that even they now accept that the world's climate is changing and we're all in for a bumpy ride of it. If you're one of the very few that doesn't think it's changing, explain this without resorting to lies: Region:  GLOBE Date Range: 1850-2022 / Data Source: UK Met Office Creator: Ed Hawkins Licensor: University of Reading / License:  Creative Commons Licence And for the Kiwis, this is what we're looking like: Region:  All of New Zealand Date Range: 1853-2022 / Data Source: Berkeley Earth Creator: Ed Hawkins Licensor: University of Reading / License: Creative Commons Licence And finally, here's the news for the Welsh Region: Wales Date Range: 1884-2022 / Data Source: UK Met Office Creator: Ed Hawkins Licensor: University of Reading / License: Creative Commons Licence Ok, so it's as plain as the end of your nose that the climate is warming up, we're starting to see the affects of

NO! The Greatest Story: Space Worm

Image
[Update: Poppy Hillstead was removed from the line-up in 2020 and all of series 1 - 3, in which she was a part, has been deleted. I would suggest not bothering with Gossipmongers anymore as this incident left a very bad taste in my mouth. And of course there is no longer anything to embed around the Space Worm, sorry folks] The GOSSIPMONGERS podcast has David Earl, Joe Wilkinson, Poppy Hillstead sharing gossip and rumours which are mostly hilarious, often scatalogical, and sometimes the greatest stories you've ever heard. The 2019 supreme champion is the TRUE Space Worm , listen up (starts at 37:35) and prepare to snort LOL Subscribe to GOSSIPMONGERS

Stop! 3 Signs YOU Need To

Image
This video, 3 signs that you’ve hit clinical burnout and should seek hel p, compliments the post simply entitled, Stop! , where I give a little background on my own life burnout and how stopping was the simplest act that both saved me and changed everything about me.