The Forum: 'Job applications' by Muffy

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From the Web 1.0 days I bring you The Forum. To preserve them for posterity as Geocities can no longer be found but also it's fun to re-read some of them.

Muffy was an old friend of mine from Brisbane, hence her column title "Brisbane Rantings". I wonder what Muffy (not her really name of course) is doing now.

"Job applications"
21st July, 2001

I know this month's forum submission, which is really last month's, is more than a smidgen tardy. However, I have more than an excuse, I have a reason.

I have run out of words.

That's right. Run right out of the shifty little buggers. There's nowt up here now except a gentle breeze blowing in one ear and out the other. And would you like to know why? Because in the last six weeks, I have been madly (in all understandings of the word...) composing, compiling and finally cutting-and-pasting for the old PUBLIC SECTOR SELECTION CRITERIA JOB APPLICATIONS.

My last job application for a position as an assistant to somebody's secretary was (and I kid you not) 14 pages long. And that's not including the resume and crap that you send along with it. Bloody stupid is what it is: I was short-listed for an interview on the basis of one of these great tomes of demonstrable knowledge and skills, and as I was having a quick peek through to remind myself of just what I was capable of I found several little "notes to self" squished between the paragraphs. This was the copy I handed in so I am fairly certain that the people I am sending them to aren't too keen on reading them either.

Here are a few examples of the stuff I have had to write about: [Note: ESC stands for "Essential Selection Criteria"]

ESC 1. High level written communication skills.
I managed to reach 14 pages in this thing: is that high enough for you?

ESC 2. Highly developed interpersonal skills and ability to liaise with people at all levels.
For this job, I will liaise with God himself. Boy, you sure do like that word liaise. If I do a little horizontal liaising, will it get me an interview?

ESC 3. Ability to work in a team and independently.
Well, make up your mind. I do team. I do independent. What I don't want to do is dole queue.

ESC 4. Ability to use a computer.
You must be fucking kidding me. Does this reem of Reflex look like a bark painting?

ESC 5. Previous experience in the advertised job.
Well that's asking a bit much, but bugger it all, YES: I demonstrate my previous experience in this job through being the current encumbant. Can I have my pay cheque now?


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