Dave Barry helps you choose your ultimate Christmas gifts

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Every year Dave and his team (of one I think) trawl the gift producing companies to find those ones that we just can't live without. He's just put up Christmas 2005: Less stress, less mess

Personal favourites include the KISS Celebriducks, ''... "We need to put out a product that would appeal to fans of the legendary rock band Kiss.'' On the other side was a guy saying, ''No! We need to put out a product that can be used as a bath toy!''.

The Musical Funky Toilet is also a high quality piece of Christmas consumerism, "... open the toilet lid, the toilet contents -- yes, the toilet has contents, with little eyeballs -- perform a funky musical dance. Ha ha!"

And I will be expecting the Scrolling LED Belt Buckle to be in the sock at the end of the bed come the 25th, "Ask any woman on the planet Earth what is the first thing she notices in a man, and she will answer, ''Why, his belt buckle, of course!''"

I don't want these.

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