The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam

By /
The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam by Dave Barry

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample):

| . | . | x | . | . | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!

Easy Section
1.)

| . | x | . | x | . | . | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.


2.)

| x | . | . | . | . | . | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.


Kind of tricky Section:
3.)

| . | . | . | . | . | . | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------

Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."


4.)

| . | x | . | x | . | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.


Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
5.)

| . | x | . | . | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we?

This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!


VERY tricky indeed Section
6.)

| x | x | | | x | x | . | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.


Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
  • NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
  • I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.
  • NO Singing. Period.
  • Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".
(more malarkey of my old work PC)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular articles

The Difference Between One Million And One Billion

Image
It feels like a billion is just a bit bigger than a million. Obviously it's bigger but it fits on the same scale as a million, surely. It doesn't. A billion is so so so much bigger than a million. I've trawled the internet finding graphics and videos that show the VAST difference between one million and one billion. Oh, and just to finish with a different misconception about space starting with the classic opening line from the great Douglas Adams and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy : “Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.”

W. C. Fields quotes

Image
The office has all been moved around - new desks (with starter handles to raise and lower them), new high(er) speed network and ... the same old work. At least I have a differing view of the world, my team (well, the team I'm a part of not "my" team) is a lot closer - finally - and it's like an office from the 80's ... or even a classroom. But I still have time to move the crap off the PC : ------ Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! Who stole the cork from my breakfast? Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit, no use being a damn fool about things. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they alwa...

This Is What Drowning People Actually Look Like

Image
THIS is so so useful - thanks @exlibrarykris@cloudisland.nz for her annual share . The popular conception of what drowning looks like is not accurate. Unlike this photo, drowning people usually can’t call out for help, and there is very little splashing or waving. Drowning is actually a very quiet and undramatic action. Photo by Stephen Frink Drowning does not look like what we’re conditioned to think of as drowning. In an article in the Fall 2006 issue of the U.S. Coast Guard Search and Rescue’s On Scene journal, Pia described the instinctive drowning response as follows: Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary or overlaid function. Breathing must be fulfilled before speech occurs. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough f...

"Right Wing" Comedians

Image
Too many people comfortably plump themselves into an army of one type or another . Surrounded by those that sound like you, listen to you intently whilst nodding, and echo your thoughts on why the fight is a good fight and that the other side are such bad terrible people. I used to be more like that than I am nowadays ... hmmmm, aren't we humans meant to become more conservative and reactionary as we age, strange Mike. These thoughts have me thinking of two UK comedians that have been tagged as "right wing", which is putting them into an army for the benefit of someone but, I suspect, not them. First up,  Simon Evans who makes me laugh when he's talking about his family, kids, and life in Brighton. He then hit my ears big time with: Simon Evans Goes to Market , has had six seasons, delighting audiences with his witty and insightful take on the comedically unpromising territory of economics, all of which prove among the most popular downloads on the Sounds App. On the...

It's All Going To Change

Image
Exponential is gonna make this world of humans very very different. What the fuck is " exponential change " Mike? I, you, and all humans are built to see change in a linear way. A wolf accelerating at a set rate is going to slowly catch us, but we know when, and therefore where (see how clever we are), so we get tricksy and make plans to not be there and then, hah, take that wolf! The wolf starts out at 1 kmh, but speeds up at 2 kmh. It's now at 3 kmh, but hang on it's still getting faster, now at 5 kmh. Christ this wolf is still going, 7 kmh. Meh, we can run at 10 kmh. It adds another 2 kmh, ok, it's catching up. 9 kmh, we're starting to worry and make plans. Wow, the wolf is now 11 kmh, probably a blur but s'ok as it is slower than a bike so maybe we use that. Oh noes, another 2 kmh, that's 13 kmh. A spurt from the wolf and it's now 15 kmh, and one more boost, up to 17 kmh. Within only 9 steps this damn wolf is now running at us at 17 kmh. We...

On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going?

Image
So many people have had me ask them this simple question, " On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going? (where 1 is as low as it can get)" Once the person responds, you then simply askm " Is there anything I could do to help move it from a 6 to a 7? " (or . . . "from a 3 to a 4" or "from a 10 to an 11"). Just reach out and ask ... I cannot recommend this highly enough as both for support people / friends / family that are keeping an active eye on someone in their life, but also just as a great way to connect not matter what the situation. So where did it come from - this is a technique that Jane McGonicall  ( @avantgame ) picked up from her friend Michael, a philanthropist and entrepreneur and uses in a Super Better "quest" called Plus-One Better - here are the complete instructions. QUEST: Plus-One Better Pick three people: 1. Someone who would like to hear from you 2. Someone you would like to hear from 3. Some...

Series 2 Starts With An Episode About Burnout & Suicidal Thoughts

Image
Kicking off series 2 of  Mike's Audio Summaries podcast in which I take blog posts and supporting web articles into Google's NotebookLM AI to create an audio "deep dive". Long time readers, friends, and family will know my time with a "wobbly brain" and some of the posts I have published over the years on mental health and specifically suicidal thoughts. This episode, Burnout & Suicidal Thoughts , is a positive, hopeful, and action orientated discussion on those subjects. Aotearoa New Zealand 1737 – Free call or text 1737 Lifeline – 0800 543 354 Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234  Samaritans – 0800 726 666 Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865  What's Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds) Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54, free text 5626 Anxiety New Zealand -  0800 269 4389 UK Samaritans 116 123 HOPELineUK 0800 068 41 41 CALM 0800 58 58 58 Lifeline (Northern Ireland) 0808 808 8000 Community Advice & Listening Line (Wales) 0800 132 737 (24/7) or...

Take A Mate To Work Day

Image
Brilliant idea from, someone on FB as a meme, I think. Do you have any idea what your mates do when they go to work? Heck, you might not really know what your partner does, or your kids. But your friends, what do they actually do? Most of us will have a rough idea that they're a Programme Manager, or perhaps an Accountant, or a Service Desk Manager. But what does that actually mean, what do they do in a typical day. This isn't about making a judgement, just curiosity, and understanding ya mate a little better. Take Your Mate To Work Day (and if you have a mate called Kate you are in!) Let's pick a day - I always say do things on a Tuesday because nothing exciting happens on a Tuesday. How about the second Tuesday in February. That would make the next one Tuesday 11th February, 2025 . Who's up for it? I am, once I start my job in the new year and settle in I'm gonna invite a mate to come watch what I do, just for shits and giggles tbf Apparently this is absolutely no...

9 More Things I've Done

Image
I've done a lot of things but I've done 9 things off my " It's later than you think " / " I've Never See Star Wars " list I've talked about the Poptart , Mills & Boon , and Footloose already, so here's the other 6. Walk The Southern Walkway (Wellington)  - 7/10 The Southern Walkway is an 11km walk along the Town Belt between Oriental Bay and Island Bay. The total walk can be completed in 4–5 hours depending on fitness and interest. [source: Explore Wellington - Southern Walkway Map PDF ] I can't remember when I did it, but I do recall it being a lot easier than I thought it would be. It's a perfect walk for a nice summer's day tbh, get amongst it! Watch a Bruce Lee movie - 4/10 It was Enter The Dragon ... hmmm, not sure I really enjoyed it tbh. A lot of slapstick noises with the fighting, the story was ok, and definitely felt of it's time. I can imagine it was very different back then, and Bruce Lee is, OK, but yeah, no...

Happy Birthday This Blog, 20 Years Old

Image
It's been a source of laughs, a place of catharsis, times to be brave and open, and all with a lovely regularity that I enjoy. I published my first post back in December 2004 which kicked of a number of years during which I posting daily. This faded to a dribble as Facebook and Twitter replaced the posts, and rushed back as I realised that social media is ephemera, useful for sharing but of no use keeping things. So, 20 years ... I'm not gonna link you to stuff here, it's all available in search, labels at the bottom, but maybe a follow the links in This Is My (Blog) Life .