The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam

The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam by Dave Barry

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample):

| . | . | x | . | . | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!

Easy Section
1.)

| . | x | . | x | . | . | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.


2.)

| x | . | . | . | . | . | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.


Kind of tricky Section:
3.)

| . | . | . | . | . | . | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------

Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."


4.)

| . | x | . | x | . | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.


Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
5.)

| . | x | . | . | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we?

This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!


VERY tricky indeed Section
6.)

| x | x | | | x | x | . | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.


Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
  • NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
  • I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.
  • NO Singing. Period.
  • Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".
(more malarkey of my old work PC)

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