My favourite Fawlty Towers quotes

There's oodles of malarkey on this PC ... sloooowly being deleted.

A Touch of Class

Sybil: What are you doing?
Basil: I'm kissing you, dear.
Sybil: Well, don't.


The Builders

Basil: (to phone) Ah yes, Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.
--

O'Reilly: (calmly) Just remember, Mr Fawlty, there's always someone worse off than yourself.
Basil: Is there. Well, I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh.


The Wedding Party

Basil: Always reminds me of someone machine-gunning a seal.
Major: The heat?
Basil: ...No, no, my wife's laugh.
--

Jean: Has it got a breeze?
Basil: Has it got a breeze?
Jean: Is it airy?
Basil: Well, it's got air in it.
--

Sybil: Hello... Audrey! Any news?... Oh dear, he hasn't... ooh! I know... He doesn't deserve you, Audrey, really he doesn't... exactly... I know you have... I know... I know... oh I know...
Basil: Are you going to go on like that all night?


The Hotel Inspectors

Hutchison: I don't understand this, where is the Post Office?
Basil: It's there, where it says "Post Office". I'm sorry if it's confusing.
--

Basil: I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got a smidgeon of co-operation from you.
Sybil: Co-operation - that's a laugh. The day you co-operate you'll be in a wooden box.
--

Basil: I trust your pate was satisfactory?
Walt: Yes, yes, thank you.
Basil: Oh, good, good. The chef buys it himself, you know.
Walt: Buys it?
Basil: Oh, insists on it.


Gourmet Night

Sybil: Are you going to do the car?
Basil: In a moment, my little pirahna fish.
--

Mrs Heath: May I ask why you don't have proper salad cream? I mean, most restaurants...
Basil: Well, the chef only buys it on special occasions, you know, gourmet nights and so on, but... when he's got a bottle - ah! - he's a genius with it. He can unscrew the cap like Robert Carrier. It's a treat to watch him. (he mimes) And then... right on the plate! None on the walls! Magic! He's a wizard with a tin-opener too. He got a Pulitzer Prize for that. He can have the stuff in a saucepan before you can say "haute cuisine". You name it, he'll heat it up and scrape it off the pan for you. Mind you, skill like that isn't picked up overnight. Still, I'll tell him to get some salad cream in, you never know when Henry Kissinger is going to drop in, do you?
--

Basil: Well, how is that lovely daughter of yours?
Sybil: (quietly) She's dead.
Basil: (examining the Colonel's lapel keenly) I like your suit. Isn't it super. The way those stripes go up and down. Really super. How much did that cost, then?
--

Basil: Come on, start, will you?!! Start, you vicious bastard!!! Come on! Oh, my God!! I'm warning you - if you don't start... (screams with rage) I'll count to three. (He presses the starter, without success) One..two..three!!! Right! That's it! (he jumps out of the car and addresses it) You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line to you time and time again! Right! Well.. this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!


The Germans

Major: Strange creatures, women...
Basil: Well, can't stay around all day...
Major: I know one once... striking-looking girl... tall, you know... father was a banker.
Basil: Really.
Major: Don't remember the name of the bank.

Major: ...I must have been rather keen on her, because I took her to see... India!
Basil: India?
Major: At the Oval.
--

Basil: Certainly, well, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres... hors d'oeuvres vich must be obeyed vithout kvestion!... Sorry! Sorry!
--

Basil: (whispers to Polly) Don't mention the War... I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right... (he returns to his guests) So it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. So that's two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads... no, wait a moment, I got a bit confused there, sorry... (one of the German ladies starts to sob) I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the War, so could you...


Communication Problems

Mrs R: (at the window, which has a nice view) And another thing - I asked for a room with a view.
Basil: (to himself) Deaf, mad and blind. (goes to window) This is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, this is it.
Mrs R: When I pay for a view I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay, madam.
Mrs R: Well, it's not good enough.
Basil: Well... may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically...
--

Mrs R: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well, may I suggest you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.
--

Mrs R: I'm not satisfied, but I have decided to stay. However, I shall expect a reduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
--

Sybil: You seem very jolly.
Basil: Jolly?
Sybil: Yes, jolly. Sort of happy.
Basil: Oh, "happy". Yes, I remember that.
--

Basil: Zoom! -what was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, that was quick, do I get another? Sorry mate, that's your lot.
--

Sybil: If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil. (she exits upstairs)
Basil: (calling after her) You'll have to sew 'em back on first!


The Psychiatrist

Mrs Abbott: I'm a paediatrician.
Basil: Feet?
Mrs Abbott: Children.
Sybil: Oh, Basil!
Basil: Well, children have feet, don't they? That's how they move around, my dear. You must take a look next time, it's most interesting.


Waldorf Salad

Miss Gurke: I'm sorry, but do you think we could cancel our fruit salads?
Sybil: Well, it's a little tricky, Chef's just opened the tin.
--

Mrs H: How long have you been married, Mrs Fawlty?
Sybil: Oh, since 1485.


The Kipper and The Corpse

Major: What is it?
Mrs Chase: He's a little Chitzu.
Major: Is he really?... Oh, dear. What breed is it?
--

Basil: Major, don't say anything to anyone, but he's dead.
Major: Ah!... Shot, was he?
Basil: No, no, no. Died in his sleep.
Major: In his sleep? Ah, well, you're off your guard, you see.


The Anniversary

Basil: Do I detect the smell of burning martyr?
--

Basil: The seventeenth of April. Well, well, well...
Sybil: Does that stir any memories in you, Basil?
Basil: ...Memories?... (his face lights up) ...Agincourt?


Basil the Rat

Basil: Can't we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, special subject the bleeding obvious.
--

Basil: I'll put an ad in the papers. Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil.
--

Sybil: No! I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures.
Basil: Well, I'm a creature. You can abide it to me.
Sybil: You're not living.

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