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The Holy Head Is Watching

With creaking and cracking heard throughout the room the Holy Head of Antelope turned upon all those gathered.Someone will die tonight.

Sometimes I can be an introverted wee flower

Despite the image that a lot of people may have of me as being 'out there', sometimes radical and often challenging there are times in my life when I get a bad case of the jitters. This happens mostly when I meet people for the first time "off my turf".

Case in point: A friend of mine offered up their house in Martinborough for the Riversdale's to go and play in as a way of "getting away from it all" and giving the us a wee holiday-ette. Top! Liz, after asking me, wanted to bring along a couple and their gorgeous girl as well - a sort of family friends away time.

Liz and Helen (for that is her name) get on like a house on fire. They met at Playcentre and very quickly have become great buddies. Iain is a top fella and, as I've said, their daughter Betty is a great wee girl and both Jack and Meg love having her to play with (and vice versa, I'm sure).

Martinborough wasn't the first time I'd met them, we'd had a few wine sodden evenings here in Chateau Miramar and we did have a great time - even if I did slur something rotten the second time, *hick*

So what went wrong on the weekend?

I do find it quite tough (sometimes) when I have to 'make the talk' with people I don't actually know that well. I tend to go inside and the art of conversation seems to dry up within me - something I'm sure some would like to have happen more often.

The outward symptoms of this 'unease' is usually perceived by others of someone that is either:
  • a rude sod
  • a pissed off person with something I've said/done
  • a shy and retiring person with not a lot of social grace
  • a bad man
And once I start the slippery slope down I find it very hard to pull myself up - in fact on a number of occasions it's ended up with me completely withdrawing from the social circle with me sitting in a room at the other end of the castle.

Not fun.
Not for me, Liz, the kids, the "others"

So what went wrong?
To be honest, I don't know. There's probably some deep psychological reasoning behind it all, maybe a chemical/medical explanation can also be put forward. The reason behind isn't too much of a concern, I now see it and am working to change it (thanks to some hard work from Liz intertwined with a lot of anger, patience, love and "When you do X I feel Y" type conversations).

In fact, I treasure these moments of lucidity in my life even if I don't necessarily enjoy the rocky road to it. There have been a number over the past 40 years I've been trotting around this globe and I am sure there will be more. Every time it has happened I have had to think long and hard about what I want, how I want it and what I will do to make sure it happens. Every time I have come out the other end a far nicer person to be with and a far happier person within me.

It'll be hard. Habits are hard to change- as a counsellor once told me, "Take a week to get up each morning and put your trousers on starting with the leg you normally don't stick in first. After a few days I guarantee you'll be back in the old way - and that's just putting your trousers on, imagine how hard it is to change ..."

Also, at work a colleague has taught me during the year that people (and therefore companies) need an, "Oh fuck!" moment to change as without it there's no real reason/impetus to do anything differently.

I have had my, "Oh fuck!" moment on Sunday.
I am determined to be mindful of the habit.

Wish me luck dear readers as I tootle off to be a different/better person ...

Oh, and three (added another) last items I have starred in my Google Reader that totally fit this posting:
[Updated] Added Anecdote link

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