An opportunity just too good to miss

(updated 7-March-2005 - more at Marie D'Esple)

I love getting things through the post but yesterday was one of the best ever. I assume you're all aware of the 'Nigerian scam', well I received, sometime ago now, a printed and posted version of this. A classic waste of resources for all but gave me a hearty chuckle at the time and I've kept it to bring out and smile at now and again.

But, poor old 'Ahmed from Nigeria' has been usurped by a letter I opened on my return home last night. Let me take you through some of the highlights of this beauty.
First of all the envelope, light-blue with a little window for the address on the inside letter to show through (my old name, but hey, I can live with that). Top left we have "Sent by" and a picture of a certain "P.R. Nelchael" ... I have to say it looks like a police 'wanted photo'. And if you want to write Mr (Dr? St? Guru?) P.R. Nelchael, his address is:

Case Postale 1308

CH - 1951 SION

SWITZERLAND

And when you open the envelope you enter the realm of P.R. Nelchael which, if it wasn't such an obvious scam (or is it?!?) , is a wonderful place to be.

It's not just the four colour pages (double sided), oooh no - we've got an addressed ("please affix stamp here") envelope and a 2x5cm piece of paper that has a random 'eastern looking' symbol (think Persian carpet design) with the words:

Your intimate Yi-King Mandala, which has been consecrated and magnetized especially for you!

I'm feeling special already.

But what am I gonna get ... and how do am I expected to pay for it? It starts, "Become a RICH man, Mike!", wow!!

Yes! Today your sidereal "radiance" is at its STRONGEST and crackles with SUPER POSITIVE waves of Luck with Money!

Gollly, this sounds awesome ... I am tempted to type in the whole document (for it's not just a letter, this is a serious piece of work), but I'm a bit strapped for time. So, here's the best of P.R. Nelchael:

In fact, I have just subjected your Karmic Aura to the Feng-Shui Vibratory Test!

You are destined to receive a HUGE AMOUNT of MONEY!

Feng-Shui: the several-thousand-year-old Occult Chinese science that businessmen use to increase their fortunes

... understanding of certain mysteries, the dissipation of your Astral knots, the clarifications of your "nadi" (the channels that encircle the vital energy of your body), the opening of your chakras to the Cosmic flux ...

... magnetising your Phenomenal Cosmic Stone (a fragment of "living" rose quartz that I have in mind for you) ...

... I have tried to find out why the Luck of winning ... doesn't seem to enter YOUR BEING ...

... the "hidden" truth has finally been uncovered!
Your Interior "Harmonic Profile" upsets me in the highest degree...

At this point we have the first of many incomprehensive, unlabelled and totally hilarious diagrams. From this P.R. Nelchael has discovered that:

your "cone of emanating aura" .... perpetually oscillates downward, causing a dangerous "fractal disequilibrium" in opposition to the Yin/Yang.

Crickey! It's serious everyone ... I always wondered what it was. So what do we do??

Your case is not rare

phew!

... roll up our sleeves and beginning the URGENT work that await us ... work TOGETHER to "re-balance" your 7 centres of vital energy, which govern your 7 poles of Superior Interest ... process with all URGENCY to implement your 3 powerful Feng-Shui Remote Interventions, whose objectives are:
1) - to balance your 7 Chakras
2) - to rechannel the positive effects of your Astral fluid
3) - to clear your "nadi" (your energy channels)

All of these 'objectives' are detailed but I'm sure you can see where P.R. Nelchael is going with all this. But, it's not all plain sailing on my part, oooh no - I have to:

1 - get yourself on the same wavelength as I
2 - start "resonating" with the Cosmic Universe
3 - neutralise waves harmful to your vibratory Aura
4 - significantly increase your personal magnetic radiance
5 - regenerate and amplify your Luck at Games of chance
6 - play and win
7 - than the Superior Powers for each of your WINS

Now, a lot of this involves doing things with a "Prodigious Cosmic Stone" (cupping, hiding, charging with my Personal Fluids ... ick) and this isn't just any stone:

To receive secure RUSH delivery this true stone of the Active Vibratory power of divination, reserved only for PROFESSIONALS, just give me your consent

Aha, we're getting there.

... receive, at your home, in a discreet package with no exterior markings, your "Prodigious Cosmic Stone", accompanied by its guarantee and your 2 FREE GIFTS: YOUR Gold Candle, along with your "Celestial Prayer of Incantation" ...

The stone (and rituals etc) are rated at $600 in various parts of the document.

And now for the money shot:

The only things I ask of you is a modest contribution towards my costs (Ceremony, Ritual, packaging and postage) of $37 ...

So, whaddya reckon people - should I go for it? I don't have long to think about it:

Time is short ... the "powers" of your Prodigious Cosmic Stone are ACTUALLY at THEIR MAXIMUM STRENGTH. ..

Crickey, act now ... ooooh, I dunno ... he does sign-off well ...

You faithful and devoted friend, who embraces you with all his heart

Nice.

OH! But wait, there's more:

... enclosed FREE OF CHARGE i your parcel, your 5 series of WINNING LOTTO-NUMBERS to play on your 5 KEY-DATES for Luck with Money ... to use them place your left hand on my Magentic=hand ...

And then we have the final page - a series of grids of numbers (1-49) with a photocopied a and colourised hand. On the back is the all important "Personal ORDER FORM" with, at the bottom with the obligatory blue border 'legal' border a "Guarantee of Total Satisfaction for: Mike ?????".

Well, there we go - stunning piece of work and my hat off to P.R. Nelchael (or whoever).

NZ governments Astrology/Psychic ScamWatch
For more detailed information on these scams check out: http://www.aerger-forum.de/dcforum/DCForumID41/537.html